(from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Complete Idiot)

For thousands of years, wise souls have known about the Chakras, the glowing balls of light that reside in the body and cause occasional heartburn. Chakras are portals through which cosmic energy flows; they may open and close depending upon diet, spiritual practices and labor disputes. Understanding the chakras offers valuable insight into the true nature of human experience and will sometimes result in handsome lecture fees.

One: The Base Chakra
The first chakra, which resides at the base of the spine, is associated with primal emotions, the adrenal gland, and bowel movements. When fully open, sentiments such as fear, anger, and jealousy are held in check, but with the unfortunate side effect of total incontinence. Ancient India was once a land of universal peace and harmony, as advanced spiritual practices managed to eliminate all conflict between humans. Sadly, the accompanying stench and unpleasantness became too much to bear and the people of India were forced to eat large amounts of lentils and invent the caste system. Exercise: Sit on the floor in a cross-legged position. Focus your awareness on the area between your right and left butt cheeks and visualize a glowing red ball of energy. (Some people will see a pink ball, others a brown ball. A few have reported seeing the face of Geraldo Rivera.) Allow this energy to slowly travel up the length of your spine as you experience a growing sense of calm and harmony. As the energy exits through your your nostrils be careful not to sneeze as this may permanently stain the carpet. Moderate opening of this chakra is useful in overcoming stress and is generally less difficult than eating bran muffins.

Two: The Sex Chakra
Located deep within the genitals, this glowing ball of orange light is the the reason underwear tends to wear out quickly. This second chakra is the root of sexual feelings and the fount of artistic creativity, most notably the early albums of Barry White and Charo. It requires frequent stimulation to remain open, a major factor in the success of Bob Guccione. A faltering sex chakra may result in impotence, frigidity, hypertension, and a seat on the Republican National Committee. Conversely, those with wide-open sex chakras tend to be highly creative--sometimes geniuses--though too often their brilliance is overshadowed by lewd public displays with power tools. Exercise: Lie face up on the floor of a lower-priced massage parlor or parking garage. In your most intimate area, visualize a glowing orange sphere the size of a pumpkin, filled with K-Y jelly and wearing a cone-bra. Allow this sphere to rise slowly upward, higher and higher, taking care to avoid ceiling fans. As its orange light grows steadily brighter you will notice a tingling throughout the lower half of your body, usually accompanied by the sound of Ravel's Bolero and a strong urge to finger paint. Do it!

Three: The Power Chakra
This chakra, a pulsing yellow orb that regulates an individual's spiritual energy, was purchased the mid-1980's by the Chevron Corporation. Originally a cosmic blast furnace generating prana, chi and other forms of spiritual power, it is now used to process high performance gasolines with Techron. When this chakra is fully open, an individual will experience excellent gas mileage and strong brand loyalty. Total closure will result in threatening letters from corporate management. Exercise: Official maintenance guidelines for this chakra can be found at http://www.chevron.com/techron/maintenance/turban/~urinedrink.html

Four: The Heart Chakra
Situated in the middle of the chest, this emerald green chakra is the storehouse of subtle emotions involving love, acceptance, approval, and credit rating. People with healthy, open heart chakras are very giving and tend to sleep around. They radiate a warm, welcoming glow that is sometimes mistaken for skin cancer. People with closed heart chakras tend to have problems with emotional intimacy and tipping, but often have successful careers as pre-school teachers. Exercise: Sit in a comfortable position on a busy street corner. Mind your own business as you focus on the mental image of a beloved, kindly figure such as Mother Theresa, Barbara Bush, or Barney. Envision the face of this person bathed in a radiant green light. (Do not be alarmed if this light is not flattering.) When you gaze deeply into the eternally loving eyes of this adoring green figure you will begin to experience a tightening in your chest similar to emphysema. As you wheeze, flail your arms, and gasp out pleas for for assistance, you will gain deep insight into the heart chakras of those ignoring you.

Five: The Throat Chakra
Governing the realms of communication and phlegm, the throat chakra serves a critical role in an individual's spiritual evolution. As energy blockages occur, they can be precisely measured by the amount of sputum in the throat area, allowing spiritual Masters to gauge the progress of seekers. The ancient tradition of Tibetan throat singing was developed as a foolproof means of quickly revealing the tell-tale gobs of throat mucus so common in fraudulent gurus. With a fully open throat chakra, an individual will communicate clearly and command a singing voice similar to that of Mel Torme. A closed chakra, often caused by excess yogurt or weight-training, results in communications skills on par with professional athletes and the vocal timbre of a tracheotomy patient or, in extreme cases, Stevie Nicks. Exercise: Lie in face-down on your throat. Raise your legs toward the ceiling and imagine a bright whirlpool of glowing blue secretion spinning rapidly in a clockwise direction. As it spins throughout your neck area, allow this milky blue goo to become thicker and thicker until it reaches the consistancy of instant mashed potatoes or spackling compound. (Do not be concerned if its rotation slows somewhat.) Now, eject this putrid wad of spiritual scum, if at all possible.

Six: The Third Eye
Though commonly referred to by this name, the sixth chakra is also known as "The Second Eye" or "The Eye", depending upon the number of other eyes its owner happens to have. Blazing with the color indigo, it is located in the center of the forehead, though it will seem somewhat lower on men with receding hairlines. Because it is entirely patched over with skin, it is impossible to see through except on very sunny days, which may explain its popularity in California. The most famous of all chakras, it is represented by the William Morris Agency and makes frequent public appearances, most often on the cover of Hare Krishna pamphlets. This chakra is the source of internal wisdom and is the means by which we consider our place in the universe. Focusing on it can be very helpful when searching for parking. Exercise: Sit in an uncomfortable cross-legged position. Allow your awareness to float randomly around the room, trying not to knock anything over. After a few moments, call your awareness back into your body and offer it a light snack. As you turn inward and focus on the area above your eyebrows you will begin to notice a large, bloodshot, indigo eyeball staring at you as if you've done something terribly wrong . Do not flinch. Continue to stare directly into its bluish-purple iris as you loudly chant the lyrics to any George Harrison song, (except "My Sweet Lord" which was actually stolen and may generate litigious karma.) If this practice is adhered to on a daily basis, your vibrational frequency will increase rapidly, with the added benefit that your annoying roommate will most likely decide to move.

Seven: The Crown Chakra
The seventh chakra sits on the top of the head and is the means by which we become integrated with God, though busing is also sometimes necessary. While this chakra generates a subtle violet light that is imperceptible in most people, it shines brilliantly in spiritually advanced beings, the reason why saintly religious figures must so often wear beanies. Full closure of this chakra will result in a tortured sense of existential meaninglessness and a desire to be Suzanne Vega. A fully open crown chakra yields wisdom, serenity, plus the ability to speak in confusing parables and tell effective pope jokes. Sadly, the intense vibrational force of an open crown chakra inevitably results in baldness, as witnessed by the Dalai Lama, Don Rickles, and Sinead O'Connor. Exercise: Sit on a toilet in the washroom of a local bus depot for several days. As you peer through the space beneath the door of your stall, observe the feet of those using the sinks, urinals and tampon machines. Are their shoes smartly shined? Are their laces tied? Are they unwittingly dragging any toilet tissue? As you weigh these questions, imagine a beam of light rising from the top of your head, burning a hole through the acoustical tile ceiling and traveling light years through the cosmos until finally arriving at a Denny's in a remote universe. Order coffee and sausage biscuits and wait for God to join you in your booth. If God fails to appear within ten minutes, leave a lousy tip.