Channeling occurs when a spirit ordinarily residing on the astral plane briefly lives inside your earthly body. Spiritually advanced individuals are capable of hosting a variety of spirits and can sometimes even collect rent. Channeling can be a very useful and beneficial tool, particularly in rural areas where cable TV is not available. It should never be attempted immediately after eating.

HOW TO CHANNEL:

1. Make sure no one else is around. Beginners seldom channel appropriate entities and there is serious danger of bringing in someone embarassing. A Topeka, Kansas woman was inhabited by the late Paul Lynde for over a year and was able to expel him only by means of repeated and painful rolfing.

2. Sitting in a comfortable upright position, focus on your Third Eye until you hear the music of Yanni or Burt Bachrach. With your first and second eyes closed, you will begin to see the familiar indigo-colored eyeball described in the earlier section "Exploring the Chakras". As you stare at this eyeball, direct your consciousness into the black pupil at its center, being careful to avoid brushing against the slimy purplish part.

3. You will soon feel yourself entering this giant eyeball, floating through the deep black void inside it, surrounded on all sides by glowing blobs of spirit-matter. These beings will be clamoring around you, poking at you with tendrils of goo and vying for your attention, some waving cardboard signs bearing your name. They may promise gifts such as vacation time-shares or fresh-baked muffins in exchange for your body but do not listen! Rather, wait a few moments for the appearance of your Spirit Guide.

4. You will recognize your Spirit Guide by his radiant gold aura and distinctive coon skin cap. He is here to help you select the cosmic entity best suited to your level of spiritual development. (If he tries to tell you about his personal problems be sure to steer him back to the matter at hand as quickly as possible.)

5. Your Spirit Guide will analyze your aura and then select four of the colored blobs for you to choose between. To win your favor, these blobs will dance about and try to be very cute, but as blobs, you may find them quite repellant. Because it is impossible to see these beings in their earthly form, it's pretty much a crapshoot whether you wind up channeling Abe Linclon or the guy who played "Ernest". (Truth is, most of the time you'll wind up channeling some obscure spirit you've never heard of who'll overstay its welcome and talk a lot during movies.)

While hosting your astral guest you may lose consciousness and begin to mumble in an extinct language. You may also rise from your chair and begin performing an extinct dance-step such as the Hustle. However you will remember none of this and awaken only a pounding headache and a damp spot on the chair reminiscent of canola oil.