THE COFFEE SONG

First thing in the morning
and if I had my way
the morning wouldn't come so @#$%! early in the day
but I've got the magic potion
to set my ass in motion
three or four cups more
and I might get out the door
My doctor says to cool it
he thinks he's so smart
he says I better listen
before I percolate my heart
but I pour myself a cup or two
for every word he says
and I quaff a quart of caffeine
for every little bean picked by Juan Valdez
See, me I have this theory
and it drips with the truth
it says: Mrs. Olson's saved more marriages than Dr. Ruth
cause if baby's cup don't measure up
there's gonna be remorse
she'll be brewing discontent
and leaving grounds for divorce
Now I'm sitting in a Denny's and I'm feeling so fine
as the waitress fills my cup up for the 52nd time
but now she's looking at me funny
she's moving kinda slow
something ain't right here-I don't know...
I got places to go, people to see
get me my check dammit-chop chop, honey!
what's wrong with these people?
they think I've got all day?
and why does everybody keep looking at me that way?
there's something going on here, they're all out to get me
it's part of a big plot‚how much you wanna bet me?
they're trying to do me in, what else am I to think?
they're gonna stab me in the back or
put something in my... drink