FERN-BAR BLUES

I used to laugh
I used to chuckle
about the guy in the bar with the folk guitar
and the beer hanging over his buckle
paid to croon those wimpy tunes
I said, "I know my luck'll
never run that low
but what did I know?
because I gotta eat I gotta eat a little crow

I've been a waiter
I've been a temp
I've had the horror of holding as many jobs
as Larry, Moe and Shemp
but life could not prepare me
for the role I now must fill
as a Desperado on the Dock of the Bay
in Margaritaville

Oh, Lord
Lord can't you see I've paid my dues?
I've got the mellow-rock-folkie-in-the-
corner-of-a-fern-bar-blues

I'm gettin' heckled
this group of fellas
pushed to the brink by those very large drinks
with those very small umbrellas
they're well beyond reason
I must appease them
the tension is growing deadly
Can I reach in my soul and summon the strength
to play a Don Ho medley?

Chorus

There's a lady at the bar
she's a scary kind of creature
she's got hairs on every mole
and she's got moles on every feature
a gargoyle on a barstool
leering into my eyes
licking off her lipstick
and slugging down Mai-Tais

There's a two-ton drunken sailor
and my life is now imperilled
'cause I blew the last line
of the seventeenth verse
of the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

There's real esate man with a tanning-booth tan
demanding to hear Piano Man
and the bag at the bar just sent me a beer
and I think that it's time to get out of here!

Chorus